In the last few weeks, it really seems like every other Nerd site in the world is seemingly required by law to make a list of actors who should play the next Batman – and for the record, I think it’s way too soon to be recasting the Dark Knight and I am also pissed that even though Man of Steel was a great origin story, the sequel might be less of a Superman movie and instead may just be a shameless excuse to reboot Batman. Come on DC. Sure, we’ve all figured out that the JLA movie probably won’t happen, but Superman is like your one other character who actually doesn’t need Batman in his movie to make it successful!
And now it seems that the wait is over. We have a new Batman and it is… Ben Affleck. Hmmm, the fact that I wish the new Batman was directing the movie rather than starring in it kinda makes me think that Warner Brothers. may have missed a trick here.
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. So rather than make hypothetical predications about a Batman I didn’t even want to see in the future, I thought I’d look at the different actors who have played the Batman of the past, in order to determine who was the best Batman of all time. The mature way to do this would be to look at their acting skills, the pros and cons of their performances and the quality of their films, However, that sounded boring so instead, I’ve imagined what the ultimate Bat-actor showdown would look like…
Note: I’d written this before Affleck was cast but have updated it accordingly. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m away to hide in a bomb shelter for a week… I’ve a feeling things are about to get pretty rough on the Internet for the next few days.
FIGHT!!!
Note: Though I actually like all of these actors (even if I think one in particular didn’t make a great Batman… I think you can guess which one), they will all be getting a fair amount of good natured abuse. Also, I will be referring to each actor by name because otherwise this would happen…
Batman threw a batarang at Batman. Batman dodged the batarang and punched Batman. Suddenly another Batman appeared and started punching Batman. A batmoblie pulls up, batman jumps out and is immediately kicked in the head by Batman.
So I think you’ll agree that it’s for the best.
Batman surveys the streets of Gotham. He knows he’s the hero they need, not the hero they want….or need….or even like…..and if anything is only making things worse for these people…….but he’s there anyway and what are you going to do about it? Nothing! That’s what, because he’s a muscular millionaire genius!
He hears something behind him and with a suitable dramatic “swoosh” of his cape he turns. The sight that confronts him is too much, it’s another Batman, only in a slightly different suit.
“You ever dance with the Devil in the pale moon night?” asks Michael Keaton.
“Wha?” Bale mumbles (*what?)
“Doesn’t matter, just something the Joker said once… my Joker was better than yours by the way”, he says with a sly wink.
Bale yells as he launches himself at this imposter.
The two start to fight on the rooftop, Bale starts to get the upper hand when he realises that Keaton’s suit won’t allow him to turn his head so attacks from the sides again and again.
All seems lost for Keaton until they hear a thunderous noise and are suddenly blinded by what looks like a flashing disco-ball. A grappling hook appears on the wall beside them and they hear engine noises getting louder until the flashiest and least inconspicuous Batmobile they’ve ever seen lands on the roof.
Shielding their eyes they wait for a few seconds, Keaton turns to Bale and says “Wouldn’t it have been easier to use the Batwing? Do you even have a Batwing?”
Bale shrugs and mutters “Soto. Untoanubluitop”. (*Sort of… until a nuke blew it up!)
Lo and behold, another Batman jumps out.
“I’ve just been to the drive-thru” Val Kilmer says and waits for the audience to laugh….
Bale and Keaton immediately turn on the newcomer. He tries to put up a fight but the two overpower him.
“Dammit, who’d have thought my experience of fighting an old Two Face and a mincing Riddler would leave me with little to no fighting abilities. Help me Robin”, Kilmer exclaims.
Chris O’Donnell is no-where to be seen, and rightfully so considering playing Robin nearly tanked his promising career.
From out of the shadows, Joseph Gordon-Levitt appears in an ill fitting Batman outfit.
“Do you mean me? My name is Robin but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be Batman… or Robin… or Red Robin… or Red Hood… or Nightwing. Am I Batman now?”
“NO” All three scream at once and Gordon-Levitt, with a resigned look on his face, walks back into the shadows… tripping on his over-long cape.
Bale, Kilmer and Keaton all look at each other, waiting to see who will make the first move.
Suddenly a shadow flashes above them and a fourth Batman drops down from the sky.
“Room for one more?” George Clooney asks charmingly, with a charming grin on his charming face.
The three stare at this newcomer, his cocksure smile starts to falter.
Bale points “A tho banipis” (*Are those Bat nipples?)
Suddenly self concious, Clooney tries to cover up his chest but the other three are already laughing.
“Stop it, don’t look at me”
Clooney pulls his cape over his face so they can’t see him cry and starts to run away. Unfortunately he can’t see which way he’s going and he runs right off the side of the building and lands on a bulky military vehicle painted black, you know, the one that Bale tries to pretend is a cool looking Batmobile.
Dying, a smile plays across his face, “Finally, an end to the Bat nipple jokes”
Dazed, the three remaining Batmen look at each other before starting their fight again. Keaton starts to lose ground as the two attack from the side and once again really regrets not making the neck of his suit less rigid.
He manages to reach the edge of the building and opens his cape, revealing batwings. He launches himself into the night.
Bale growls something incoherent and also flings himself after his prey.
Kilmer tries to do the same but forgets which button makes his wings extend and so instead, turns it into that shiney cape thingy that stops fire (for some reason) and falls to land beside Clooney.
He turns to Clooney, the darkness overcomes them both, using the last of his strength he reaches out and whispers.
Meanwhile…
Keaton continues to glide through the city of Gotham closely followed by Bale. As Bale watches the City go by, he can’t help but think to himself “This is my City, I’m the Hero they need……. not the hero they want…….or like…….or respect………..I’m Batm…..”
His monologue is interrupted when he smacks head first into a wall. Dazed, he tries to figure out why there was such an exaggerated noise and flashing “Bam” when he hit the wall. His questions are answered when another Batman emerges from the night.
Adam West walks over to Bale and looks down with disgust “This is what it’s come to? Dark, gritty realism, you make me sick”.
Bale looks up with bleary eyes “Wa da id loo lie yu hab chalb aybrus on you mass” (*Why does it look like you have chalk eyebrows drawn on your mask)
Enraged, West starts to beat Bale. Each hit being accompanied by a whimsical sound effect and a nonsensical word like “Zang” or “Swot”.
He is so engrossed in this that he doesn’t notice Keaton sneaking up behind him. He lifts West off Bale, “He’s mine old man” and starts to mercilessly beat West.
Gone are the light hearted sound effects and words to be replaced with agonised screaming and words like “Break”, “Maim”,“Sqeeslh”
Bale looks on in horror as he fights to get back on his feet. Keaton, dripping with blood, moves over to him. Bale, finally standing, says “Batum dosen kel” (*Batman Doesn’t kill)
Keaton laughs, “This Batman does” and points at Bale’s stomach.
Bale sees a comical bomb strapped to the front of his suit.
As Keaton starts to laugh, Bale launches himself at him.
The two struggle but Keaton can’t break away from Bale’s iron grip. Bale looks into Keaton’s frightened eyes and mumbles. “Blah” (*To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee).
Ben Affleck arrives just as the mushroom cloud starts to dissapate, wearing a Daredevil outfit that has been crudely painted black and has a Bat logo superglued unto it. ‘So, I’m here to direct Man of Steel 2. I’m so glad I’m finally getting the chance to shine as a great director rather than as an average actor. Hello?’
He looks down at the memo he just recieved from Warner Brothers.
‘Oh wait, I’m not directing, I’m starring as Batman… Jesus, this isn’t going to end well.‘
Epilogue:
The explosion rocks the city. In Wayne Manor, Alfred Pennyworth loses his balance and clutches a table for support. Something terrible has happened… five times!
5 minutes later:
Henry Cavill looks down at the broken bodies of Kilmar, Clooney and West. He’s managed to collect as much of Keaton and Bale as possible and their remains sit close by.
“But why? Surely there’s enough room in the world for all of them to be Batman? Why did they have to fight to prove just who was the best? That’s what rabid internet fan boys (who write such articles as the one you’re reading) are here for”.
He smiles sadly as he looks into the sky. Suddenly something flashes across the moon. Brandon Routh arrives.
The two eye each other warily. “You had your chance Routh, I’m Superman now”.
“Yeah, a Superman who kills people and causes massive amounts of collateral damage, you disgust me”.
Cavill exaggeratedly puts his hand to his ear “I’m sorry, did you say something, I couldn’t hear you on account of how boring you are”.
The two start slap fighting like small girls until a shadow passes over above.
Christopher Reeve lands beside them “I’m sorry, I’m here to pay my respects to my friend Batman, I’m Superman”.
Routh gives him a disgusted look, “Maybe you were old man but I think you’ll find I’m Superman”.
Cavill chimes in with “No you’re not, I am”. Turning to Reeves, he says, “And I have bone to pick with you old man, people keep comparing me to you… what’s the deal? And how come you got away with murdering Zod in cold blood… which no-one seems to remember”
A voice booms from above “None of you are Superman in the eyes of a generation of 90′s Television watchers”.
They look up to see Dean Cain’s smug features looking at them.
“Well, I think, to the newest generation at least, I’m the real Superman” proclaims Tom Welling as he steps out of an alley.
Routh holds up his hands to Welling, “Hold on, these three have a good claim, but come on, did you even wear the suit in that show”.
Embarrassed Welling mutters “Kinda… in the last episode… though there were copyright difficulties”.
Cavill shakes his head, “Well, I guess there’s only one way to figure this out once and for all”.
The five stare at each other. And then all Hell breaks loose…
Shock Twist Ending!!!
From a building overlooking the alley. A lone figure watches. Both upset yet elated at what has happened in the last few hours. He once again wonders if he did the right thing engineering a showdown between the different Batmen and setting off this tragic series of events.
But he had too, didn’t he?
Otherwise he’d never get his chance to shine.
Isn’t it his turn to take the spotlight after all these years?
Nightwing turns away from the carnage with a smile on his face… and wonders who will play him in “Nightwing: The Movie”.
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